Day 4 was a short entry…
Journal #4 : What’s My Problem
I think my biggest problem lately is that I don’t know how to fix anything. I’ve known for a long time that I act in ways that are self-destructive. I’ve known about my bad habit of procrastinating until the last minute. I’ve known about my inability to balance life between social and personal. And I’ve known about my ability to distract myself from life through fixations and obsessions. But the thought of actually doing something about it scares me. Maybe not scares, so much as eludes me because I don’t understand how to get to the place where I can figure out how to change.We talked in class on Thursday about PTC (Paradoxical Theory of Change) and how if you can identify how you make adjustments, you can begin to experience growth. My problem is not identifying how I adjust or the methods of which I use to cope. My problem is making the move between simply adjusting and growing. I feel like because I am constantly trying to understand why I do the things I do and identifying with the things that make me who I am, I am also constantly growing because of it. But at the same time, it’s that notion of two steps forward, one step back. Since I can identify these things, they always bring to light a whole new set of questions before the previous ones have been answered. And at the same time, because I can’t answer them and I can’t fix them, I start to repeat the cycle. And at times I begin to hate myself because I can’t seem to do anything about it. Whenever I seem to try and make changes, I seem to fail or force myself to fail because I have convinced myself I don’t deserve something.
And here is probably where I began to fall apart mentally. Confused and mentally exhausted over analyzing everything I had been thinking about, I broke down and cried. Yes, I cried. And I couldn’t sleep. And by the time I did manage to sleep, when I woke up it hadn’t helped much at all. I also hadn’t been asleep very long either but it was time for school and I was running late again.
