Between the first phase and the second phase of this project, there was a two day period in which we were supposed to reread our journals and reflect on what we had written before taking the time to decide what we wanted to work on. As I mentioned before, by the time I finished the first set of journals, I already had what I wanted to work on.
Now ideally, I should have chosen something simple. Maybe started with procrastination or time management. But because I had spent so much time reflecting, I decided to try attacking the root of the problem. It’s something I’ve never quite gone after. I’ve tried reorganization to help with both procrastination and time management. I’ve tried various things to help with both causes. But since it seemed to me that so much of what I was doing first started and ended with my problems with self-confidence, I thought it best to just go after it.
So after class that Tuesday, I spoke with my professor about what I wanted to do. She informed me that for phase two, the observation period, I should keep track of all the things people said or did that made me feel uncomfortable. Keep track of what triggered negative thoughts and why or how. What it related to in my past or in my present that made me feel bad and do the same for the things that made me have positive thoughts. Keep track of these things but the key part of phase two was to NOT change anything. Don’t change behaviors, don’t change thoughts, don’t do anything to change during that time period. Just observe.
And I have to say it was five of the hardest days to just observe my behavior, be so fully aware of it, and not try and do anything. I suppose because before, when I wasn’t trying to do anything about it, I never noticed just how often I felt insecure. I never noticed just how much things affected me until it was already so effective in keeping me down. But during those five days of observation, I also found it really hard to keep track of those things that also caused me to have negative thoughts. Sometimes they were little things, sometimes they were big. The bigger stuff I remembered to write down and, of course, those things that kept me down while at home. But during school it was so hard to remember when I felt down and when I felt good and what was causing those feelings. At some point I began to wonder if there was nothing specific that caused the feelings, but rather something deeper that was already there.
I am still currently unsure if I did the journals for phase two correctly, but I should at least have some of those excerpts up soon. And then I can begin to fully delve into phase three and now. I can’t wait. But for now it’s back to homework and sleep and tomorrow I wake up and do it all over again.
Except that tomorrow is also the fifth anniversary of September 11th and I’m sure I’ll have more reflecting to do about my life. I always do. Thankfully, as the years have gone by, I’ve been more able to take less things for granted. And I’m really thankful for that opportunity. As sad as September 11th was, and I’ll try tomorrow to recap that day for me and what I was going through, it was also a day that helped change my life and helped get me to this place and time.
